Sunday, June 28, 2009

"I've Got A Full On Girl Crush."

"Ah, so now you're a lesbian huh?" I asked her.
"I don't know but I totally have a crush on Courtney from the studio. We have some weird thing going on." Hunter says.
Now I know Courtney and she is straight up gay so this could be a whole new adventure for us. When Hunter does something she doesn't go half assed. It's all or nothing.
"So what happened?" 
"I don't know. We just kind of flirt with each other. Don't you think she's pretty?"
"Sure, she's pretty. Is this just in your head though or does Courtney know what tornado is about to be thrust upon her?"  I ask.
"I called Suzy," Hunter says ignoring my last comment.
"Oh yeah, what'd she say?"
"Well she did wonder how I was going to feel about the new way of doing things," she says.
"I wondered about that too. How's that going to go down, no pun intended."
"I don't really think it matters if you like who you're with," she says.  With this last comment I'm pretty sure she's ready for a change. I think it must go back to that dog thing at the vet clinic. That's a whole other story though.
"Suzy also said maybe I'm so fed up with guys that I'm going girls now." 
"That's one theory I guess. Should I call my brother and ask him if you're gay. They can always sniff out who plays on their team," I ask.
"Yes! Call him and check if I'm going to be a big old Lesbo!" Hunter says.
"All right. Call you back in a little."

An hour later, my phone rings. I had forgotten that Hunter decided to be gay now and was off in my own little world.
"I facebooked her! And she answered in like 13 seconds," she says.
"Oh, just a friending or were there words exchanged?" I know how this goes down.
"Oh we totally messaged back and forth and she said we should go out some time. I think I'm going to go to the studio and take her class tomorrow."
"Yeah, I don't see that happening but I think my little girl is really gay now, congratulations. I think you are going to make a great lesbian!" I say.
"Well, all my friends in South Carolina are going to be so proud of me.  They always said I was gay. And also I were Chucks, that's apparently a sign and the fact I collect cats. I'm a cat collector, that's another tell tale sign," she says.
"Well I guess that does it then. You're a lesbian. I wonder how long this will last. I'm sure looking forward to it. Things had gotten kind of boring." 

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Are You Stoned Too?

Poor Poor Hunter with her screwed up shoulder and back. All sorts of knotted up and no insurance, no doctor. I'm sorry Baby. It hurts me to just look at you. Thank God for Shane and his magical chiropractor. I'm going to tell you something, you are honestly the only person I know that could go to get adjusted and come out with a styrofoam cup full of free weed. It's just  ridiculous really. I was so happy though to hear that little singsong lilt to  your voice again though. It's been to long. 

 Okay, once again, very nice tinfoil bowl you were trying to concoct. What are you 14? Seriously, I don't smoke pot and I could of come up with something better than that piece of crap. Oh yeah, I did. I just happened to find an unused bowl hanging around in my store of a house. So you were lucky (as was I) that the kids were walking in as you were once again about to try and blow the tinfoil one out my window. It bought me some time to find you the one with the  dolphin on it that I bought in Antigua as a stocking stuffer long ago.

 God almighty. 

So I had so much fun hanging out with you. Especially when we got to the "What are we going to eat?" portion of the night. Seeing as I hadn't showered in a day or two and you were pretty much lit, going out wasn't an option. So into the kitchen. I should have taken a picture of the joy in your eyes when I pulled out that gyoza. I ran upstairs to do something. When I came down you were bustling around that kitchen like some jacked up Martha Stewart. Except for that nasty soy sauce dip you made. This is where I came in handy. I made an equally gross mustard one, but when you put them together they were delicious. Even on the pizza. My favorite part was when I said, "If you use the exact right amount of each on the crust, it taste's like bernaisse." And you tried a little, shook your head yes and with complete innocence go, "Wait, are you stoned too?"

I love you Man. Now get better you freak. I miss you. 

Monday, June 8, 2009

Where'd You Go?

I miss you so. Seems it's been forever since you've been gone...

I love that song. My brother hates it. You know which brother I am talking about don't you? My gay brother that everyone of my friends falls in love with because he is the most spectacular person on the face of the earth. The one that you said you would like to lick the inside of his mouth? That's just gross to say to someone's sister. I'm gonna tell you though, you weren't the first and you won't be the last. Apparently he has that effect on women. To bad he likes men. I will tell you though. He asked me about you specifically. He even offered up his mouth. He has been known to make out with woman occasionally. Or so he tells me. I'm thinking Hunter, maybe it's him your supposed to marry, not Gary. Then you would have my old last name and not Suzy's. You would no longer be a symbol but a famous author. Just a thought. If we can talk my brother in to it. 

Anyway, I miss you Man. All this work is seriously cutting into my note taking of your daily happenings and what with Syd gone? We're low on material. I could talk about you going to the park with song writing guy to smoke some weed and the paranoia that came with that when you thought he was going to go all axe murderer on you. I think he reads this every once in a while. It was Hunter who said, not me, I don't even smoke.  Or I could talk about the things you always want to tell about me but I won't. That would be stupid Bob. What the fuck ever happened to Bob anyway? Seriously, did he morph into a hacksaw or something? That'll teach us to publicly call someone a pedophile! Lesson learned! Straight up. Oh well, he was boring the ever loving shit out me anyway. I'm glad he's gone. We didn't even include him in our little ritual. Which by the way, totally worked. Mac is OUTTA here. There will be no need for you to ring his doorbell and bitch slap him, as much as the idea amuses me, it's not necessary. He flushed himself with all that ridiculous cheap talk. Who does that? What about Cork Cork Corkhole. Corkhole. He's a corkhole. Did he buy that baby yet? Is he still inviting you to the farm? He's a corkhole. 
I've been up since 4.30 and had slightly to much caffeine.
I love you Man.
I miss you. 
I'm proud of you though. 
You rock it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.