Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Big Payoff

"It's finally happening. I'm getting the big payoff. Regular sex," Hunter states.
"Payoff for what? What exactly have you done to deserve a payoff?" I'm intrigued.
"You know, for being patient. The horrible retrograde of the past two years, well really twelve."
"And you know this how?" I love this so much. I feel delighted.
"It said so, you know, it said it would come... um, now. It's all shifting. I'm getting rewarded for all the shit I did." she says.
"Like what? Yelling at your grandmother and taking old prescription meds you found in my cabinet, abusing alcohol, what?"
Like I hadn't even spoken she continues, "The reward is going to be presented in a life partner," she says proudly.

At this point I am laughing so hard I can't write and speak for a second.

"Wait, wait, wait, you met him Sunday? You had some "special" time and now he's going to be your life partner? Okay, I like it!"
"We txtd all day yesterday! And today we are going frogging in the ocean."
"Frogging? What's that mean?" now I'm really confused.
"Frolicking you idiot. We are going frolicking! And guess what else? I am breaking out my Birkentstocks."
"Oh gross, I hate those things. I wouldn't be caught dead in them." I say.
"Oh yes you will cause when you're old and I have to take care of you and your hooker boobs I am going to dress you up big baggy clothes and Birkenstock," she says with determination.

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion. Dogs barking and growling. The phone drops. I hear her scream, "I have to go."
I go about my business until she calls back.
"Some dog just attacked Penelope in the dog park," she says breathlessly.
"Oh no. Is she okay?"
"She's fine but I had to break it up and my dress came off in front of everyone and I told that women to take her fucking Rottweiler out of the dog park so my dog could pee."

Well done. And Hunter is officially down South. 

Friday, September 4, 2009

We're Back

We were never actually gone. Although I completely forgot how to get into this blog. Thank God Hunter remembered or we would have never been seen or heard from again. Well, at least not here. 

We have a whole summer of stories to tell. A bunch of them were written and then never got posted because I am always afraid of offending people (and for some reason our stories can lean towards off color) although no one (except you) knows who I am. Hunter yelled at me over and over again for this, saying, "Post it! Post it." Which was surprising cause a bunch of the really bad ones were about her. :)

Hunter just moved away again. Down South. Out of Gramma hell. It was a tough summer. It could have been a black comedy if there had been a laugh track attached. All sorts of mayhem went on. She had to get out of here before it ended in murder. 

On her last night here while she was wearing my sons motorcycle helmet that I spray painted silver for science project and swinging on the poles in my garage she did keep saying, "You better post those ones and also write a ending one. " 

Then, you C3, called us on it. And let me tell you how it went down cause Hunter's gonna love this. So yesterday I was working like a dog (this is me Sarah) odd right? But I was. Cleaning out my Mom's huge garage. I got home and had one hour to chill out before I had to go to a meeting and out for the night. I put on my bathing suit and lied down. Of course that very second I got beckoned to drive children all over the earth. I threw on this pink dress over my bathing suit and got in the car. So I'm taking a corner and this guy in another car is coming the opposite way turning the same corner. He is staring at me like I am a alien. I think to myself, "He must be concerned because I am not wearing my seatbelt." Another thing that drives Hunter crazy. So then I see my little phone light beeping and I get it to read some e mail (she loves this too) and it's C3 asking if we're going to post again. I look down to dial Hunter's number to tell her and I see the reason the other driver was starting at me. It wasn't the seat belt. It was my dress was barely covering an almost non existent bikini top. Hunter would call it "whore boobs." That man didn't care about the safety harness at all! 

But you know what Hunter? At least my dress wasn't on backwards! And I didn't run through any red lights OR stop signs.  I didn't stop traffic for anything. So that's good right?