Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Big Payoff

"It's finally happening. I'm getting the big payoff. Regular sex," Hunter states.
"Payoff for what? What exactly have you done to deserve a payoff?" I'm intrigued.
"You know, for being patient. The horrible retrograde of the past two years, well really twelve."
"And you know this how?" I love this so much. I feel delighted.
"It said so, you know, it said it would come... um, now. It's all shifting. I'm getting rewarded for all the shit I did." she says.
"Like what? Yelling at your grandmother and taking old prescription meds you found in my cabinet, abusing alcohol, what?"
Like I hadn't even spoken she continues, "The reward is going to be presented in a life partner," she says proudly.

At this point I am laughing so hard I can't write and speak for a second.

"Wait, wait, wait, you met him Sunday? You had some "special" time and now he's going to be your life partner? Okay, I like it!"
"We txtd all day yesterday! And today we are going frogging in the ocean."
"Frogging? What's that mean?" now I'm really confused.
"Frolicking you idiot. We are going frolicking! And guess what else? I am breaking out my Birkentstocks."
"Oh gross, I hate those things. I wouldn't be caught dead in them." I say.
"Oh yes you will cause when you're old and I have to take care of you and your hooker boobs I am going to dress you up big baggy clothes and Birkenstock," she says with determination.

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion. Dogs barking and growling. The phone drops. I hear her scream, "I have to go."
I go about my business until she calls back.
"Some dog just attacked Penelope in the dog park," she says breathlessly.
"Oh no. Is she okay?"
"She's fine but I had to break it up and my dress came off in front of everyone and I told that women to take her fucking Rottweiler out of the dog park so my dog could pee."

Well done. And Hunter is officially down South.