Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Big Payoff

"It's finally happening. I'm getting the big payoff. Regular sex," Hunter states.
"Payoff for what? What exactly have you done to deserve a payoff?" I'm intrigued.
"You know, for being patient. The horrible retrograde of the past two years, well really twelve."
"And you know this how?" I love this so much. I feel delighted.
"It said so, you know, it said it would come... um, now. It's all shifting. I'm getting rewarded for all the shit I did." she says.
"Like what? Yelling at your grandmother and taking old prescription meds you found in my cabinet, abusing alcohol, what?"
Like I hadn't even spoken she continues, "The reward is going to be presented in a life partner," she says proudly.

At this point I am laughing so hard I can't write and speak for a second.

"Wait, wait, wait, you met him Sunday? You had some "special" time and now he's going to be your life partner? Okay, I like it!"
"We txtd all day yesterday! And today we are going frogging in the ocean."
"Frogging? What's that mean?" now I'm really confused.
"Frolicking you idiot. We are going frolicking! And guess what else? I am breaking out my Birkentstocks."
"Oh gross, I hate those things. I wouldn't be caught dead in them." I say.
"Oh yes you will cause when you're old and I have to take care of you and your hooker boobs I am going to dress you up big baggy clothes and Birkenstock," she says with determination.

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion. Dogs barking and growling. The phone drops. I hear her scream, "I have to go."
I go about my business until she calls back.
"Some dog just attacked Penelope in the dog park," she says breathlessly.
"Oh no. Is she okay?"
"She's fine but I had to break it up and my dress came off in front of everyone and I told that women to take her fucking Rottweiler out of the dog park so my dog could pee."

Well done. And Hunter is officially down South. 

Friday, September 4, 2009

We're Back

We were never actually gone. Although I completely forgot how to get into this blog. Thank God Hunter remembered or we would have never been seen or heard from again. Well, at least not here. 

We have a whole summer of stories to tell. A bunch of them were written and then never got posted because I am always afraid of offending people (and for some reason our stories can lean towards off color) although no one (except you) knows who I am. Hunter yelled at me over and over again for this, saying, "Post it! Post it." Which was surprising cause a bunch of the really bad ones were about her. :)

Hunter just moved away again. Down South. Out of Gramma hell. It was a tough summer. It could have been a black comedy if there had been a laugh track attached. All sorts of mayhem went on. She had to get out of here before it ended in murder. 

On her last night here while she was wearing my sons motorcycle helmet that I spray painted silver for science project and swinging on the poles in my garage she did keep saying, "You better post those ones and also write a ending one. " 

Then, you C3, called us on it. And let me tell you how it went down cause Hunter's gonna love this. So yesterday I was working like a dog (this is me Sarah) odd right? But I was. Cleaning out my Mom's huge garage. I got home and had one hour to chill out before I had to go to a meeting and out for the night. I put on my bathing suit and lied down. Of course that very second I got beckoned to drive children all over the earth. I threw on this pink dress over my bathing suit and got in the car. So I'm taking a corner and this guy in another car is coming the opposite way turning the same corner. He is staring at me like I am a alien. I think to myself, "He must be concerned because I am not wearing my seatbelt." Another thing that drives Hunter crazy. So then I see my little phone light beeping and I get it to read some e mail (she loves this too) and it's C3 asking if we're going to post again. I look down to dial Hunter's number to tell her and I see the reason the other driver was starting at me. It wasn't the seat belt. It was my dress was barely covering an almost non existent bikini top. Hunter would call it "whore boobs." That man didn't care about the safety harness at all! 

But you know what Hunter? At least my dress wasn't on backwards! And I didn't run through any red lights OR stop signs.  I didn't stop traffic for anything. So that's good right?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

"I've Got A Full On Girl Crush."

"Ah, so now you're a lesbian huh?" I asked her.
"I don't know but I totally have a crush on Courtney from the studio. We have some weird thing going on." Hunter says.
Now I know Courtney and she is straight up gay so this could be a whole new adventure for us. When Hunter does something she doesn't go half assed. It's all or nothing.
"So what happened?" 
"I don't know. We just kind of flirt with each other. Don't you think she's pretty?"
"Sure, she's pretty. Is this just in your head though or does Courtney know what tornado is about to be thrust upon her?"  I ask.
"I called Suzy," Hunter says ignoring my last comment.
"Oh yeah, what'd she say?"
"Well she did wonder how I was going to feel about the new way of doing things," she says.
"I wondered about that too. How's that going to go down, no pun intended."
"I don't really think it matters if you like who you're with," she says.  With this last comment I'm pretty sure she's ready for a change. I think it must go back to that dog thing at the vet clinic. That's a whole other story though.
"Suzy also said maybe I'm so fed up with guys that I'm going girls now." 
"That's one theory I guess. Should I call my brother and ask him if you're gay. They can always sniff out who plays on their team," I ask.
"Yes! Call him and check if I'm going to be a big old Lesbo!" Hunter says.
"All right. Call you back in a little."

An hour later, my phone rings. I had forgotten that Hunter decided to be gay now and was off in my own little world.
"I facebooked her! And she answered in like 13 seconds," she says.
"Oh, just a friending or were there words exchanged?" I know how this goes down.
"Oh we totally messaged back and forth and she said we should go out some time. I think I'm going to go to the studio and take her class tomorrow."
"Yeah, I don't see that happening but I think my little girl is really gay now, congratulations. I think you are going to make a great lesbian!" I say.
"Well, all my friends in South Carolina are going to be so proud of me.  They always said I was gay. And also I were Chucks, that's apparently a sign and the fact I collect cats. I'm a cat collector, that's another tell tale sign," she says.
"Well I guess that does it then. You're a lesbian. I wonder how long this will last. I'm sure looking forward to it. Things had gotten kind of boring." 

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Are You Stoned Too?

Poor Poor Hunter with her screwed up shoulder and back. All sorts of knotted up and no insurance, no doctor. I'm sorry Baby. It hurts me to just look at you. Thank God for Shane and his magical chiropractor. I'm going to tell you something, you are honestly the only person I know that could go to get adjusted and come out with a styrofoam cup full of free weed. It's just  ridiculous really. I was so happy though to hear that little singsong lilt to  your voice again though. It's been to long. 

 Okay, once again, very nice tinfoil bowl you were trying to concoct. What are you 14? Seriously, I don't smoke pot and I could of come up with something better than that piece of crap. Oh yeah, I did. I just happened to find an unused bowl hanging around in my store of a house. So you were lucky (as was I) that the kids were walking in as you were once again about to try and blow the tinfoil one out my window. It bought me some time to find you the one with the  dolphin on it that I bought in Antigua as a stocking stuffer long ago.

 God almighty. 

So I had so much fun hanging out with you. Especially when we got to the "What are we going to eat?" portion of the night. Seeing as I hadn't showered in a day or two and you were pretty much lit, going out wasn't an option. So into the kitchen. I should have taken a picture of the joy in your eyes when I pulled out that gyoza. I ran upstairs to do something. When I came down you were bustling around that kitchen like some jacked up Martha Stewart. Except for that nasty soy sauce dip you made. This is where I came in handy. I made an equally gross mustard one, but when you put them together they were delicious. Even on the pizza. My favorite part was when I said, "If you use the exact right amount of each on the crust, it taste's like bernaisse." And you tried a little, shook your head yes and with complete innocence go, "Wait, are you stoned too?"

I love you Man. Now get better you freak. I miss you. 

Monday, June 8, 2009

Where'd You Go?

I miss you so. Seems it's been forever since you've been gone...

I love that song. My brother hates it. You know which brother I am talking about don't you? My gay brother that everyone of my friends falls in love with because he is the most spectacular person on the face of the earth. The one that you said you would like to lick the inside of his mouth? That's just gross to say to someone's sister. I'm gonna tell you though, you weren't the first and you won't be the last. Apparently he has that effect on women. To bad he likes men. I will tell you though. He asked me about you specifically. He even offered up his mouth. He has been known to make out with woman occasionally. Or so he tells me. I'm thinking Hunter, maybe it's him your supposed to marry, not Gary. Then you would have my old last name and not Suzy's. You would no longer be a symbol but a famous author. Just a thought. If we can talk my brother in to it. 

Anyway, I miss you Man. All this work is seriously cutting into my note taking of your daily happenings and what with Syd gone? We're low on material. I could talk about you going to the park with song writing guy to smoke some weed and the paranoia that came with that when you thought he was going to go all axe murderer on you. I think he reads this every once in a while. It was Hunter who said, not me, I don't even smoke.  Or I could talk about the things you always want to tell about me but I won't. That would be stupid Bob. What the fuck ever happened to Bob anyway? Seriously, did he morph into a hacksaw or something? That'll teach us to publicly call someone a pedophile! Lesson learned! Straight up. Oh well, he was boring the ever loving shit out me anyway. I'm glad he's gone. We didn't even include him in our little ritual. Which by the way, totally worked. Mac is OUTTA here. There will be no need for you to ring his doorbell and bitch slap him, as much as the idea amuses me, it's not necessary. He flushed himself with all that ridiculous cheap talk. Who does that? What about Cork Cork Corkhole. Corkhole. He's a corkhole. Did he buy that baby yet? Is he still inviting you to the farm? He's a corkhole. 
I've been up since 4.30 and had slightly to much caffeine.
I love you Man.
I miss you. 
I'm proud of you though. 
You rock it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Ritual Went Awry

Okay, I know this is going to start out sounding dumb. I get it now. I'm stupid. Whatever.

So a while back we're at this bar-b-que. It was at the time we were just about over Bob. He was there talking some nonsense and in an effort to avoid him I turned around and started talking to the guy next to me. He  seemed intelligent (except he didn't believe in past lives-whatever) it was a good conversation. 

Shortly after I got an e mail asking me out. I replied with what I thought was a very clear, "that's lovely of you, but I can only be friends, if you were expecting anything more, that's not going to work for me." I got back one of the cleverist things I have seen in a while. It was a whole story about choosing friendship or nothing and the possible repercussions of both. He chose friendship, or so I thought...

My guy friends laughed at this. "Yeah, sure Sarah, he wants to be your friend. Uh, no." I thought they were wrong. He asked me out to get a drink and dinner one night. I brought Hunter. She got wasted and left. I had to pick her up later but that's neither here nor there. Just fact. The friendship with him continued. Or so I thought.

Sometimes I write to Hunter on FB in Chinese or Thai or any language. I tease my Mexican friend in Spanish and I write in Turkish to my friend who lives in Istanbul. My "just a friend" saw it on my wall,  enjoyed it and wrote to me in other languages. We started exchanging poems in mystery languages. Mostly Robert Frost, a little Bob Dylan and a sonnet here or there. I shared everything with Hunter. I enjoyed the repertoire, I like when people get me. I think the last thing I had shared was one of my favorite Bob Dylan songs ever.

Guess what I got back?
 Bob Dylan? No. Maybe some Van Morrison? He's a genius. Nope. Any of the greats?! I had always looked forward to his poems, when I got it I put it in the google translator cause it was in Mandarin. I was expecting something great. I got a fuck me song with my name in it by a teeny bopper. I was pissed. It basically said, "fuck me." I closed my laptop and called Hunter to tell on him. Seriously? Why? 

"Who does that?" she demanded. "It's just wrong! I didn't even understand what the song meant and the lyrics are just wrong. Its all fucking wrong."

Shortly thereafter Hunter and I had our "get rid of them" ritual. 

I hadn't responded to his last song. He sent me one more short message that I didn't answer. I thought he was gone. He must of understood my silence. I am a good communicator and honestly very easy going. This went way to far. 

That all happened Friday night. It's Tuesday now. Hunter came over today at lunchtime. She walks in and says, "You are never going to believe what "he" texted me today!"
"What?" I asked.
"He texted me at 8.30 this morning and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him today," she said.
"No he didn't," I said laughing.
"Oh yes he did and he even had the fucking nerve to offer up Star Trek or The Terminator, what a dumb ass." 
"Oh my God. That almost makes me like him. It's so funny," I said.
"What the fuck was he thinking? 'Oh, Sarah won't talk to me cause I sent her a fuck me song so I'll try Hunter again?'  Does he think we're not best friends? We won't talk? Is he trying to make you jealous? What an idiot! And by the way, I already got rid of him TWICE before you even met him! I was only nice to him cause he paid for both our dinners that night I got wasted and you said he was smart.  When we performed the ritual it was to get rid of them, not fucking trade them! Why were you friends with him anyway Sarah?" she demanded.

"Uh, if you remember, I was pissed at Bob and avoiding him that night I met him," I said.

"Fucking Bob! It always comes back to Bob!" she yelled.

I love you Man. Now be a sport and take one for the team.