Wednesday, April 29, 2009

We're Not Related By Blood.

Act 1- Takes place at the Japanese restaurant over tuna tartar and miso soup:

Sarah- So what did you do last night?
Hunter- Well, Cousin Danita and her family came over so Stan could build a base for my bed for Sydie to sleep on when she comes tonight for her three week visit.
Sarah- That must of been loads of fun. Aren't they kind of weird?
Hunter- By weird, do you mean the fact it was an arranged marriage and  their 13 year old is gay and no one talks about it and their 9 year old eats 17 donuts a day and speaks only of desserts and Stan yells at everyone and Danita just ignores it? If that's what you're talking about then I'd have to say, yes, they're slightly odd.
Sarah- Sounds great Greg.  Guess what I did?
Hunter- Drank wine and played Facebook, Bitch? 
Sarah- Talking about hitting the nail on the head! 
Hunter-I couldn't even drink! My Gramma was watching my every move, plus I had to hold the mattress up the whole time for Stan while he was hammering and screwing.
Sarah- Were both you and he in your tiny little cell of a bedroom at one time?
Hunter- Not only Stan and I but Danita, the daughter, the son and Gramma eyeballing all of us!
Sarah-It sounds like a friggin' nightmare. 
Hunter-Or a fucked up trip, like that time in high school with the mushrooms when Suzy kept flicking her cigarette in her purse like it was an ashtray and pouring beer on top and you thought cartoon pigs were coming at you on the swing set and I had to listen to both you idiots,  kinda like that.  Add to that, that I was really stoned and the kid Jeffrey, who by the way was wearing a turquoise striped polo and pleated turquoise shorts kept talking to me about shopping and piano lessons and Stan was yelling at him and Danita looked like a Stepford wive, oblivious to the whole thing. She just kept with the smile and nod, smile and nod. It was freaky.
Sarah- Damn, you should of told me. I would of come over. Not. 

Act 2- on the phone talking about a whole lot of nothing.
Hunter- mumble, jumble, muffled sounds
Sarah- Are you smoking right now? Seriously, it's like 2.30 in the afternoon. Get a grip.
Hunter-   You need to shut up Princess, what the hell else would I be doing? My Mom is coming in to visit tonight for 3 goddamn weeks. My grandmother is going back and forth between yelling at me  for apparently shrinking her girdles in the dryer instead of hanging them on the line and asking me if I believe in "Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour."  I got up at 5.30 to work my new job today. I have to hang out with crazy cousin Danita while I drive with her to the airport at midnight tonight to pick up  Sydie.  Give me the respect I deserve and acknowledge that I need to be high for five fucking minutes. 
Sarah- By all means, smoke up Johnny.


  1. Sounds like a really fucked up version of Family Feud. Except there's no annoying Host and there's weed.

    My kind of Gameshow.

  2. Suzy, she's smoking all right.

    C111, I can't figure out how to do those roman numeral 1's.

    It should be a Showtime show. The madness never ends. Sometime I will get real silent on the phone when she's talking because I am scribbling or typing in delighted disbelief.